A Beginner’s Guide to Jell-O Wrestling

ready set wrestle

The sculpture garden skating rink is closed, the cherry blossoms are in bloom, my bike ride to work is becoming steadily sweatier—yep, it's springtime in D.C.

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Come out of hibernation for your Allegra prescription and head to Barracks Row on Wednesday, March 14, to welcome monthly Jell-O wrestling back to Phase 1 after its winter hiatus.

Here's WTGG's cheat sheet for newbies and a memory-jogger for old-timers. All might be fair in love and war, but in Jell-O wrestling, etiquette counts.

For the wrestlers:

1. If you sport a sexy bra or bathing suit top in the ring, you're almost guaranteed a wardrobe malfunction. Those who prefer to keep their dignity (and their nipples) to themselves should opt for a sports bra or tank top.

2. Or, bare it all. Wear sexy underwear (one WTGG staffer recommends black XS H&M boxer briefs or American Apparel neon orange briefs) and do a crunch or two before the games begin. You'll want to look good if you get outed on YouTube.

3. Three rounds last longer than you'd think. Pace yourself, and don't blow your load too early! Save your best moves for the last bout, when your opponent's out of breath and begging for mercy.

4. Don't just wrestle. Tiger-blood it. A Jell-O champ has faster access to any heart she/ze/he/they desires. #WINNING.

5. Jell-O is slick. Super-duper slick. Stay low and use this to your advantage.

6. Do not eat the Jell-O. Not even if you are the very first person in the pool.
a) Gross.
b) It's not real, consumption-grade Jell-O. It's some kind of pelleted industrial gel. Not a tasty snack.

7. Do what you can to ensure that your competitor has a wardrobe malfunction. We likey. But, and this is a big but, do not blatantly try to pull her top off. The emcee will half-heartedly scold you.

For the spectators:

1. Appreciative and encouraging gazes and cheers are appropriate. Leers, wolf-whistles and droolers are not.

2. The no-consumption rule applies to you, too. Jell-O's yummy and all, but not the kind used for wrestling. Please abstain from eating the green goo from the side of the kiddie pool. Fact: One WTGG'er saw a girl do this AFTER the first round of wrestling. She's still nauseous.

3. To the gaggle of heteros that seems to enjoy attending this event, we ask: Why? Are you supporting your queer friend or laughing and ogling [queer] girls covered in Jell-O? We'll let you decide which one makes people uncomfortable.

4. Be prepared. Jell-O splatters every-fucking-where. The closer you are to the stage, the more likely you are to leave the club donning a lime-speckled shirt.

5. Do not put photos or videos of Jell-O wrestling on Facebook without asking the wrestler. In order to pay covers and buy booze, many of us need to keep our semi-respectable jobs.

For everyone:

Go nuts.

When Christina isn't writing for WTGG, she's assassinating dance floors in purple high-tops, causing bike accidents, taming the wilderness, practicing her beatboxing and begging Erykah Badu to cast her in a music video. A big, 90's-inspired ball of sass, Christina's greatest mission - driven by a dilettante interest in science - is to try everything once (maybe twice) and find out how the world works. She's the queirdest girl you know.